Teamkin Family Dinner

Teamkin Family Dinner was an overwhelming success. Mrs. Teamkin was kind enough to keep my veganation in mind, she made sure we had yummies like hummus, carrots, grapes... Off to a good start, the only problem was that the hummus was right smack next to the brie. I think I may have heard someone say it was the best brie they'd ever had. Or was that the cheesecake? My friends kept the taunting down to only the really really delicious dishes. Like the chicken.





Then, after a traditionally dizzying night on the town with my peeps, the next morning my best friend found it in her heart to stop at the store and get me a unbelievably-perfect-considering-the-Jameson turkey and cheese on a hero, with mayo (mmmm, tortured as I type alert). For a split second, I forgot. Face lit up, went in for a BFF hug and suddenly felt the life force drain out of me. I can't eat that.



Can't can't can't! AHHHHHGODDAMMITTT!!

A Man Undone

I think I hit the wall sometime three nights ago when I decided to hit up a local vegan place in my continuing quest for the perfect vegan lunch. As usual, I didn't know what the fuck I was doing, so rather than make a rational decision based on observation and past experience, I went for the "gimme everything you got" approach. It has served me well in the past. I mean, the odds should have been in my favor. It shouldn't be any problem to find at least one dish to enjoy among a sampler of 12 vegan meals.

I was wrong. Way wrong.

To my horror, this sampler basically contained 12 different types of coleslaw. Nasty, bitter greens that had no business being served as food. It was the first time in a long time that I ate angrily, grinding my teeth past the gums and into the marrow of my jaw bone.

But I would not be defeated. I decided to treat myself to a special dinner to make up for my earlier failure. Fried BBQ tofu sounded easy enough, and close enough to the real thing to get me through the night. I worked diligently to create the perfect bridge between my world and the vegan world, gently frying each tender cube of tofu until a perfect golden brown, before slathering it with a hot and tangy vegan BBQ sauce of my own design. I assumed my reward for all the hard work would be that first, hard-earned bite.

According to my buddy Wikipedia, tofu is "a food of Chinese origin, made by coagulating soy milk, and then pressing the resulting curds into blocks." But it might as well be donkey shit of ass origin made by coagulating feces, and then pressing the resulting shit into blocks. Even covered in sauce, there was no denying the true nature of the beast.

There are only three reasons I didn't die in the days following this disaster.

1. I discovered the magic of Whole Foods, a supermarket with a large selection of vegan products and a food bar overflowing with vegan mainstays like indian food and veggie burgers.

2. Pride. I am literally too proud to die.

3. Kiri's aunt gazed upon my fragile husk and showed me mercy. On Saturday she invited Kiri, Stef, and I over for a vegan feast and it pretty much saved my life. A night before, I had stooped so low as to try to use the tofu drippings from the BBQ night to flavor some vegan bacon I'd bought on my first night as a vegan. The results were nightmarish. I have nothing but the highest praise for Miss Jewell and her kin and thank them from the bottom of my meaty heart for hosting our decent into madness.

Tonight is the end of this experiment and, as promised, I will be spending it at fette sau. If you happen to be walking in Brooklyn and you hear the vile laughter of a devil unleashed by carnal desire and raucous gluttony, know that I have finallly found peace.

Please

Just give me some cheese. One slice of delicious goodness. This may be one of the silliest things I've ever done. WTF NATHAN!


Tonight is the Teamkin Family Dinner. My co-worker Rachel is having our whole office over to her family's house for dinner. We've been counting down and looking forward to it for a long time. I'm literally shaking my head right now. Unbelievable. It's only going to get worse.

"Jesus, these chips are like crack."

...and you got me a bag cuz you know how much I like em! Thanks!

Too bad they're riddled with Blue Cheese, Cheddar Cheese, Non-Fat Milk solids, Sour Cream (oh sweet yum), and Buttermilk solids.

I'll have tofu.

This I Swear

Fette Sau is a place right up the street from me that specializes in thick meaty bricks of pork, chicken, and beef wrapped in the kind of fatty lovehandles that brought even the mighty Oprah Winfrey to her bloated, hamhocked knees.

When this experiment is over, I'm going to walk, bare-chested, up to their counter, shout "DELIVER ME YOUR MEATS!", close my eyes and just start biting into anything stupid enough to get in my way.

The next day's headlines will read, "Disgusting Meat Giant Devours Man and Animal Alike!" And poor Fette Sau will be nowhere to be found.

Vodka is Vegan

Day 3 and I still haven't prepared. Meal to meal I'm wondering what could possibly be next, and repeat. Ugh, this takes like actual shopping. Went to three stores for soy milk on my way home. Ok fine, so one was Duane Reade and another was Rite Aid, but still, they all had regular milk. I'm not bitching, just making an observation. This shit ain't easy, and with no actual conviction to save animals from my stomach, it makes things that much suckier.

Yesterday for lunch I had a veggie burger, delicious-ish, but not really.

After a martini pit-stop (hope vodka is vegan, otherwise oops), I found something wonderful for dinner. General Tso's Tofu from a local vegan place. It was damn good. I thought about taking a photo to post. But then I'd eaten it and the opportunity was gone. I will say that when I found the vegan menu, I got so excited that I ordered $50 worth of food. So the good news is that at this very moment, I have two slices of chocolate cake (don't ask me how they do it, I don't care), pad thai and papaya salad in my fridge. Score.

Lentil For Lunch

At about 2pm today, I was saved by a lentil. Actually, I was saved by a shitload of lentils flowing in sweet spoonfuls down my throat and into the meatless bottom of my stomach, never to be seen again. Sad thing is, I'm not even sure what a lentil is.

I texted that asshole, Mr. Internet who in turn called our mutual pal Wikipedia to tell me that a lentil is, "a bushy annual plant of the legume family, grown for its lens-shaped seeds." Apparently, lentils also, "have the third highest level of protein from any plant-based food after soybeans and hemp, and is an important part of the diet in many parts of the world, " which, now that I think about it, is probably why I didn't starve to death after I ate them. They are for the eating. Go figure.

Eating at home has become easier now that I have plenty of fruits to snack on and portabella mushrooms to grill, but I've officially run out of work lunch options. I don't even know what to look for. In the hood, that's what they call being "fucked+1."

It's time to ask for help. I think I'll let some of my co-workers in on the experiment and see if they can point me in the right direction. More likely, they will mock me as so many others have. And rightfully so. The life of a vegan is comedic theater, filled with awkward silences, skinny arms, pale skin, and frequent bowel movements.